Is fantasizing about your spouse a sin? (Catholic)
Introduction
A fantasy is a mental image or scenario created in the imagination, commonly involving unrealistic or idealized situations or desires.
Fantasies can take many forms, such as daydreams or elaborate visualizations, and can involve various aspects of life, such as romance, adventure, or personal success.
Fantasizing about your spouse can mean different things depending on the context and the individual.
You can fantasize about traveling to space with your spouse or killing them.
However, if fantasizing about your spouse means imagining scenarios where you and your partner are intimate, sharing romantic moments, or even just spending quality time together healthily is not a sin.
Is fantasizing about your spouse a sin?
God permits sex and intimacy in marriage. But sex or intimacy is not limited to physical contact or activities.
It can mean desiring your spouse and thinking about them.
Having sexual thoughts about your spouse in a healthy way is not wrong and can be triggered by the intimate times you have spent together in the past or stem from the intention to spice up your love life.
Fantasizing about your ex, friend, or crush is a sin because they are not your spouse.
Therefore, any sexual thought you have about them is fornication or adultery, just as Jesus stated in Matthew 5:27, “But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
We do not spend so much time or energy visualizing what we do not desire.
That is why it’s hard for anyone to fantasize about being dead broke and begging on the streets.
Almost everyone imagines living a luxurious life even if their bank accounts do not match these thoughts.
Likewise, a man or a woman wouldn’t fantasize about their spouse if they do not cherish them.
As such, fantasy signifies a deep connection and love for your spouse.
The mind is a gift from God.
It is where we brew creative and innovative ideas that can change the world.
God created us to fantasize. However, we must not give the devil a chance to corrupt our minds and cause us to abuse its purpose.
God wants us to think only good thoughts.
For married couples, sexual thoughts about your spouse are good thoughts. However, it becomes evil or a sin if that is the only thing you think about or you think about someone else you are not married to.
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Sex begins from the mind
Many believers would want to shy away from this truth. But that is the truth.
We are creative and imaginative beings.
The power of our thoughts and imagination separates us from other creatures.
Besides involuntary actions that happen unconsciously, like breathing, digestion, and heart beating, we mostly carefully think about other things before doing them.
No one jumps into bed and has sex unconsciously, except in cases where someone was drugged.
Most married people pre-plan intimate moments with their spouse to create memorable moments and leave a lasting impression.
That is why people cook special meals, plan trips, buy beautiful dresses, light candles, and put roses on the bed. All these are products of fantasies.
But just as the Bible says, there is time for everything; our fantasies should not take over our minds and replace godly ones.
We must understand that anything that takes all our time, attention, and energy to the point that it interferes with our relationship with God has become an idol.
As much as we can fantasize about our spouses, we should not make them our idols.
Anything can be an idol. All it takes is devotion. The Bible warns us against idolatry in 1 Corinthians 10:14. “Therefore, my beloved, flee from idolatry.”
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Is fantasizing about your future spouse a sin?
God did not establish any institution or status called “future spouse.”
According to God’s design, you are either married or not married. Being married gives you the license and free will to sexually enjoy your partner.
However, there are rules and restrictions for unmarried or intending couples to which they must adhere to not be tagged sinners.
One of these rules is to avoid every sexual activity, including looking at a woman lustfully or thinking about sexual activities with them (Matthew 5:27-28).
As long as you are not married to a person, fantasizing about them is a sin.
That is why intending couples must be careful when thinking about their wedding nights.
You must understand that as long as you have not been pronounced husband and wife by the church or court of law, you are still single. Therefore, any thought about sex at the period of your singlehood is a sin.
The quality of your thoughts, or in this case, fantasy, determines if you are a child of God or a sinner.
It reflects your relationship with God and suggests whether you are a sinner. Proverbs 23:7 says, “For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.”
Philippians 4:8 says we must only think about things that are just, pure, lovely, good report, virtuous and praiseworthy.
Anything outside these is a sin.
Therefore, you do not need a second party to tell you if you are in sin.
All you need to do is to observe the content of your fantasy, and you will get your answer.
Psalm 19:14 says, “Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight.”
Will God accept the meditation of your heart?
If there’s a technology that can access your mind and display the content of your fantasies about your future partner on a screen for people to see, would you be proud of yourself as a Christian?
Think about these.
Remember, “A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart brings forth evil. For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.” (Luke 6:45)
The dangers of fantasizing about someone you are not married to
We have discussed the dangers of fantasizing about someone you are not married. However, to consider the extent of this danger, let’s consider it from a biblical perspective using the story of David’s children, Tamar and Amnon, in 2 Samuel 13.
Tamar was a beautiful young virgin.
Her stepbrother, Amnon, fell so deeply in love with her that he could not get his mind off her.
He thought about her every night and day.
His situation led to a love fever and an uncontrollable desire for his sister to the point of sickness.
Amnon told his close confidant, Jonadab, how he felt about Tamar.
Jonadab plotted the perfect scheme to make Amnon have his way with his sister. He told him to pretend he was not well. Then he asked that Tamar come take care of him in his chambers so he could defile her.
The plan worked. Amnon raped his sister and hated her immediately after he had satisfied his urge. He asked his servant to send her out of his sight and shut the door against her.
What happened? How could love metamorphose into hatred within a twinkle of an eye? The answer is fantasizing about a person is not love; it can only lead to infatuation.
Infatuation is an intense but often short-lived emotional or romantic attraction to someone.
It is usually characterized by powerful feelings of admiration, desire, and obsession, typically based on a superficial understanding of the person or idealizing their qualities.
Infatuation can feel all-consuming and overwhelming, leading individuals to believe they are in love. But it lacks the depth, commitment, and understanding typically associated with true love.
Amnon’s feelings for Tamar were not built on love but physical attraction. It was fleeting and could not stand the test of time. That was why he hated her after he had satisfied his desire.
Does this mean that all fantasies are built on physical attraction and infatuation? That would be a symposium discussion. But the truth remains that true love is not based on feelings or the butterflies flying in our stomachs.
In most cases, the feelings disappear into thin air after we get what we have fantasized about with such a person or when we get to know a person on a deeper level.
Therefore, while fantasizing about a person we would love to date, marry, or in a relationship is pleasurable, we might end up hurting that person when we have the opportunity to explore our fantasies.
So, instead of exerting emotional and mental strength on creating scenarios in our minds, we should focus more on building a deep connection with an individual we are interested in.
We should engage in meaningful conversations that expose a person’s beliefs, values, and dreams to know if we are compatible or can build a future together.
When fantasy becomes an obsession
Fantasy and obsession are similar concepts in that they both have to do with our thoughts and imagination.
Fantasies can be a harmless daydream about vacation or imagining a future achievement or romantic relationship.
On the other hand, obsession involves persistent and intrusive thoughts, images, or impulses that are difficult to control.
In other words, fantasies can be controlled to an extent against obsession, which takes over one’s mind and controls one’s feelings and behaviors.
The Bible does not deny the fact that we fantasize.
It is an innate ability from God. We are creative beings, and creativity begins from the mind.
For example, Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” This verse did not tell us to not fantasize but to control our thoughts by focusing on positive things while cutting off negative ones.
However, obsession cannot be controlled. It controls us. It comes like a spirit that pushes us from doing what is against God’s will.
Obsessive thoughts about a woman can push you to watch pornography or do other negative things like Amnon just to quench your desires.
But sexual fantasies always lead to obsession when nursed for a long time.
Lustful thoughts are like wildfire that cannot be tamed once it starts blazing. That is why we must put a guard over our thoughts.
We must intentionally choose what path we allow our minds to wander on.
Let our thoughts focus on things that bring glory to God because thoughts always lead to actions.
How to overcome the urge to fantasize about someone
Recognize the Behavior
The first step toward overcoming fantasizing about someone you are not married to is recognizing the behavior and then accepting that it’s a problem or will lead to sin.
Most people live in denial
They do not want to accept that there’s a problem even when it’s staring them in the face.
Therefore, the solution begins when you acknowledge that fantasizing about a person you are not married to is a problem.
Set Boundaries
Setting physical and mental boundaries is crucial to overcoming the urge to fantasize about a person.
Reduce the amount of time you spend with them.
Reduce physical contact that can ignite certain feelings that can fuel your fantasies.
Avoid staying in secluded places that can allow you to explore your fantasies.
Finally, decide not to cross certain lines even when thinking about someone. It is easy to set physical boundaries, but mental boundaries require more effort and sincerity.
Stay Busy
As a believer, the best way to avoid sin is to engage more in activities that will enhance your spiritual life. The more we focus on building our relationship with God and serving Him, the less time we will have to nurse sexual or sinful thoughts.
For example, King David in the Bible sat at home while he was supposed to be on the battlefield in the name of relaxing or taking a break.
He took a stroll on the roof and saw a naked woman taking her bathing her compound.
He started fantasizing about her. He sent for her and slept with her. This single act led to a series of other sinful acts like murder.
As a believer, get busy studying and meditating on the Bible, praying fervently, and serving in God’s vineyard.
Preoccupy your hands with godly activities, and your mind with godly thoughts, and sin will have no place in your life.
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David Akeju is a Christian writer who believes in the transformational power of God’s Word. His articles and books have been published on global platforms, and thousands of lives have been touched. He works with pastors and ministers, churches and ministries, and brands.